No, my marriage isn't in trouble. Nowhere near trouble.
I just want to be real for a minute.
I am starting to think that my marriage (maybe all marriages?) reflects the age of a person according to how long I've been married. Maybe it's just me, too. Since we hit our 3 year mark in June, my theory is that we are in the toddler/preschool years of marriage; here is a brief synopsis;
Year 1: Definitely not without its ups and downs, but blissful and cherished greatly for what its worth.
Year 2: Gaining autonomy. Feeling more okay to be separated while at work (independence), but still clingy at times. Do more things with friends.
Year 3: So challenging. (Everyone says three year olds can be worse than two year olds). I have become quite outspoken about things and want everything to fit the perfection envisioned in my mind. Which happens about 6% of the time. So lots of frustration and a husband who hears lots of words about how to do things better.
Year 4: Still working on this one. Seems more able to verbally communicate ideas even though the desire of telepathy (only for certain things) has not left.
Okay, but here is the real deal. Sometimes I feel like a horrible wife. [Pretty much] Everyday I make it a goal to not criticize Tommy today, or to only say positive things today to him. I am not kidding when I say that literally everyday- I fail. It hurts me after I do. Pangs of guilt... I feel like I tear him down everyday. Maybe I don't, maybe more often than not it's just suggestions of how to improve. (The teacher in me can be so take-overish sometimes.) But despite what drives me to do this, I really want to stop. I feel like Satan wins every day, not necessarily because I'm driven to do this, but because I am having the absolute worse time overcoming the natural tendency to do so (the natural man).
I am starting to question whether I have anger management issues sometimes (haha). No one should get angry over her husband saying he doesn't want to read a text conversation. And stay angry for 20 minutes. (However, I have a feeling I'm not alone in this petty anger issue.)
The thing that always gets me, though, is my sense of humor. I have the uncanny ability to laugh at any time if something funny happens. (This can be very horrible at times...) I also have the ability to crack jokes when I am mad or almost finished being mad. (Usually these are very dry jokes. I'm lucky I have a husband who has become very good at recognizing these for what they are, especially since this humor is not typically used in his primary culture.)
I think frequently about how I just want one day to be perfect. No disagreements and everyone is happy all day long. (I am hoping that this is more attainable than I make it sound.)
I love Tommy. Don't think for one second I don't. I just needed to be real for a bit. And now you all know how crazy I am. Hopefully this fact in life will not make you question our friendship. And by the way, I am really nice to Tommy, too. I'm not always crazy. Maybe just once a day. But I'm still working on it, people. That's what each new day is for.
