Marriage Memoir: On Wedding Nights, Trust, and Love

I've been thinking about this post for a while now- about what/how to write it, what I'm going to say, etc. I realized that thinking about it isn't going to make the perfect post, so I'm just going to go ahead and write it. If you don't want to read a personal post, then stop reading.
I hope that as you read this, you will be able to consider things from my point of view instead of taking offense or feeling attacked (which is not my purpose). And, if for any reasons, you have any questions after my reading, go ahead and ask (but watch the talk I linked at the bottom first)!

**I also want you to know that if you find yourself differing from what you are about to read, I most likely do not think you're a bad person. And I'm not even going to define bad person, because that gets really complicated really fast. So I probably still think you're a good person, and so don't worry.**

I've always believed in marriage- that people should get married. I've always been taught about marriage and families.  I have been taught and believe in being chaste. That means not having sexual relations outside of marriage and maintaining complete fidelity after marriage. I'm an advocate for marriage, and here's one post of how I advocate. There are numerous studies out there about families and my belief system, but for now, I'm going to leave those out of this, because I want to tell my story, not others'.

Yes, I saved having sexual relations for marriage. Of course, I held hands and kissed- that's fine- I feel like those can be some of the sweetest ways of showing affection. But yes, I did not really do anything more than that before I was married. Was it hard at times? (Yes.) That's not necessarily the right question to ask, though. You should ask if it was worth it.

Was it worth abstaining from sexual relations until marriage? YES!
---> Follow-up question: Why? Why was it worth it?

1. My wedding night was beautiful.
No, it wasn't perfect. No, I didn't know completely what I was doing. Yes, it worked itself out.
I NEVER EVER heard of anything needing to be perfect to be beautiful. (Some people even argue that the imperfections in things are what make them beautiful, although that's not the point I'm trying to make here.)
I made that special, personal memory with only one person, after I was married. My wedding night didn't bring me back to a place of sharing myself with someone else I now regretted or wished for or lost; I am keeping that memory locked with one person, forever. (And please don't be cynical- I am NOT getting a divorce. Trust me. Just do.)
Sharing that part of me that had never been shared with anyone before, and with my now forever husband- that was beautiful.
Our bond grew, our love grew, our marriage grew.
(Plus, what is special about a wedding night when you've already shared sexual intimacy with the other person?)

2. Trust
Have you ever heard and/or used the argument that you should "find out if you're compatible before you actually get married?"
Here's why that is completely and utterly bogus: When it comes down to the very bottom of it, if there is a man and a woman involved, then there is compatibility. DATING is to determine compatibility within a relationship. When people use the former argument, I just hear them saying that they can't put full trust in their relationship. Think about it for a second (or 60, if needed).
(1 Mississippi...)
Basically, if a person trusts their companion, then they will not find it necessary to "make sure" through sexual intercourse. Once you've done that, it's kind of too late- there's been a PRETTY big bond you've just created.
Why not say "I love you" with a promise of full trust until after marriage?

3. Love
Some might ask how I know the following since I have not tested it. (If you're one of those, I guess you could look up studies about it.)
I agree that it is an expression of love. You feel loved, you love the other, etc.
I just want to say that I KNOW I love my husband SO MUCH MORE than I would have if I had not saved myself for marriage; I know myself, and I know that I wouldn't. I know that my human and biological functions are very similar to other humans, especially females of my age, so there is a really big chance right here that most people would love their spouses more if they waited until after marriage.

I never had my heart broken by someone I gave myself away to who left me, and one reason for that is I waited. I did not get pregnant outside of marriage, nor did I have the risk, because I waited. I have some wonderful memories that I hold dear, and a husband who I love so much. I am happier, because I waited, and that's just how it is.

Once again, I hope you did not find offense and were able to look through my lens for a minute or two. If you differ from the points I have made, I would encourage you to try what I have put forth, but PLEASE know that I am not condemning or judging you as a person. If you've made choices (referring to the content of this post, or anything, for that matter) in your past that you regret but have done all you can to make them right, don't get discouraged from what I have written.
These are my beliefs, they're what I have been taught, and they're what I will teach my children. I'm bringing them out into the open, and encouraging you to try.

If you have about 16 minutes, here is a talk about what I believe, and is more eloquent than me. This is probably the best part of my post, so just watch it, please!

School

My students (and I) get out of school in 4 more weeks. I don't care about the bus ride to and from work hardly as much as I care about not having to leave home, or be gone ALL day (plus a little more), or be at work dealing with things, or wake up at 4:30, or....

(Hey, it means I only have to buy one more bus pass for a while, too!)

However, I feel like these last 4 weeks are going to be a bumpy ride, and slightly unenjoyable in a few work-related areas.
But, the fact that it's only 4 more weeks and I have a BREAK is one of the only things I am able to hold onto right now. And I am very excited about it. Because I am really starting to lose it and I could use a little bit of sanity in my life. (Not that I'll get much more by NOT being far away from home all day, but I think I will get at least SOME restored, since I'm not going to have to worry about taking care of 19 different 7 and 8 year olds.)

3 Dreams

My dreams have not been working out so well lately. Here are some from the past 3 nights.

First, I get heart-broken when Tommy suddenly decides to go back to Hong Kong, and since I have to stay and work, we have to get a divorce?... I am wondering who I am going to marry again. I am asked to sign one paper, and then suddenly, someone is holding another stack of blue papers. Then, Tommy is about to go out the door. I ask him very hopefully if I can make it back to Hong Kong, can we get married again?
His reply, " Probably not..."
I was crushed, and trying everything I could do not to cry.
(Luckily I woke up after this dream, and Tommy was right there, and I felt so happy, and put my arm around him. Then I turned the other direction, and then he did the same thing to me, while he was still sleeping. I felt so much better.)

Next, my extended family and I are on a terrific picnic on a beautifully green hill, when a van full of murderers get dropped off. I briefly talk to the driver, who is from the jail or something, and says they're not dangerous, and they're supposed to be dropped off here. It's my job to calm my family down and convince them we're not going to be killed (but hide them inside the nearest building, anyway), and try to not get the murderers to hunt us down or kill us, while also sort of befriending them to stay on their good side.

Last, Tommy and I are mad at each other, and then my dream jumps and somehow I find myself a new missionary on an LDS mission. My companion and I woke up late, AND we have the job to go track down a pair of thieves or murderers, so we're rushing trying to get ready. Suddenly, our mission president's face shows up (think Wizard of Oz) and he is chewing me out for not having personal scripture study. I'm trying to explain that it's not entirely my fault (and I'm a NEW missionary), and that we have to go catch these guys, but he doesn't care and warns me that I need to be better and it's my responsibility.

No, I'm not pregnant. I've had weird dreams like this my whole life. (Ask anyone in my family.)
And this is why there should be some device invented in order to record dreams...

L-O-A-N that's how you spell Loan!

Now you know, I have student loans, just like almost the rest of everyone else who is a US citizen and went to a university. It wasn't that much to begin with (less than $10,000), so that's a pretty awesome thing. Since I'm a teacher, I have the summer off. (I have from May 25-July 29 off, actually.) 2 months. I'd really love to take those two months to play and relax, because I know I could use it. However, Tommy is going to be working, and since we don't have any children, I really wouldn't have too much to occupy my time. I do get bored easily at times, and I don't have a lot of money to buy things to make crafts all day...

The other day I got to thinking and started to wonder, "What if I got a job on campus for those two months?" So I asked Tommy today, and my thought went even farther to, "I could use all of that extra money  from working an extra job to go straight to pay off my student loan, plus the money from my regular paycheck." Tommy agrees. We both want to be able to start actually saving money as soon as possible. Money goes in, and it goes out even faster, it seems like. As we were discussing things, we determined that if everything went according to that plan, then I can have my loan paid off by October! (Or maybe even before October!)

So, even though I don't actually want to spend my 2 months "off" working, I would love to pay off my student loan as fast as possible. The government wants me to pay it off in 10 years, according to their payoff plan. I think they just want extra money! I pay roughly 5 times the payment amount I'm required per month, so I'm on the 2 year track as of now, which is also not too bad. But paying it off by October does sound like a dream! (A dream that I can definitely handle!!!) 

Because I'm tired of paying extra money. And I want to save money. And we don't have a car yet, although we're trying to discuss that and figure that out. But riding the bus is very economical, as well as very environmentally friendly. Although it does take a very long time. We'll see. I'm just very hopeful about this. 

Or perhaps idealistic. 

I'm just tired of paying bills I don't want to pay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, I want to get rid of one that stares me down each time I get paid. Goodbye to you, is my take.

I know this is a boring post. I'm sorry. 

I'm so excited for...

Well, first of all, my brother and sister-in-law (I have a sister-in-law now!) got married on Saturday, so congratulations to them! I'm excited for a new sister. She's awesome, too! And she looked so incredibly beautiful.

I'm always excited for one thing: spending time with my husband.
Which makes me excited for two dates, in particular:
April 12- last day of finals for my baby;
May 24- last day of school (teaching) for me.

I'm excited for next month, too, because that means spring break for me, but sadly, my husband will be studying away, which means I won't get to spend very much quality time with him. (But it will still be exciting to be able to see him and spend time with him when I can, because that will be more than most.)

I'm excited for April 12, because that means no more studying for classes! That means that when I come home from work, my Tommy Baby will be all mine! (For the most part.) We can do nice things, like walk to Foodland at night, just to walk around. We can watch movies together. We can go to bed at the same time!!! (I always have to go to bed before Tommy because he's studying, and I have to wake up super early.)

I'm excited for May 24, because after that, I can relax for the summer (from work). Then, hopefully, I will be able to spend even more time with Tommy. Even though he'll be working during the day, well, I can have lunch with him, or go find him if I want to see him.

He's looking for an internship for this summer, though, so hopefully we won't be apart, because that would be boring and stinky. (It depends on his internship schedule and my school start date.)
But, I'm not worrying about that right now, BECAUSE.... it gives me something to look forward to!
And, I like counting down a bit. Only 3 months until school is out for the summer for me!! (That includes spring break and the following week.) That is so close! 3 months goes by quickly!!! (Unfortunately, too, because that means my summer is going to be fast. :( )
I'm just excited, though. It helps me get through my right now slightly boring life. :)

Some Days Were Just Meant to be Bad

Today, for me, was one of them. Let's start by saying you got about 4.5 hours of sleep, and sum it up with having a crazy schedule, good kids, naughty kids, noisy kids, and grumpy kids at school. To top it off with a BANG!, we'll add on that the bus made a very noisy sound and the air or hydraulics system went out. The good part? It broke down next to a road you could walk on to catch a different bus that only comes 4 times a day. But you have to wait 30 minutes for that bus to arrive. At least you got to talk to other people who are always on the same bus as you...and kind of make friends.
....And so at the end, or middle, or whenever you are able, you can listen to "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. Because as weird and strange as it is, listening to an upbeat song about having a bad day is indeed oddly vindicating, and also releases pressure/stress/whatever.
So, if you're having a bad day, just listen to that song.
If you want more of headbanging songs, try this one a few times. And if that doesn't work, you could always listen to Linkin Park (you should know this one).
Last, if you prefer mellow music, you should listen to Joshua Radin. And if you're going to do that, you might as well WATCH his music video for Brand New Day because it's really funny.

I guess the real point of this post, whatever your music preferences are, is that you should listen to music to feel happier after a long day. (But don't listen to music that will make you feel angrier! The world doesn't want that, peeps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

PEACE!

Ah, the Life of a Teacher

Today, I was blessed with the amusing and awe-striking experience of being a teacher. (Names are changed for protection.) FYI, I teach 2nd grade.

***DISCLAIMER: Most days are not anywhere near as...amusing and/or awe-striking as this fabulous Friday was. Most days are completely "normal" (compared to this one).***

Scene 1:
1st bell just rang, 5th grade cousin walks into room: "Mrs. Wong, What's Sam's mom's phone number? I'm his cousin [I knew that], and he threw up on his plate." Apparently someone got sick while eating school breakfast (and I honestly doubt it was due to what he was eating).

Scene 2:
Lunch Recess. Walking to playground. See a silly boy peeing on the grass. I'm not even lying. Of course, I motioned for him to come to me, but he just stayed put, and as I got closer, he went to play with friends. Well, I got a good look at his face, found him quickly, and we walked right over to the counselors to talk about such behavior (meaning we walked over together and I told the counselors what happened, and left so I could watch the other students).

Scene 3:
End of lunch recess. Students should be lining up with their classes. Some Kinders scream "His pants are falling down!" Yes, indeedy, they sure are. I'm questioning myself: "Why would he wear pants that are so huge on him to school?" The button and zipper are still done up, but the pants won't be pulled up. Note to self: pants are not too big; he pulled them down without undoing anything, and now they're stuck. He's running around, trying not to show his underwear to the whole playground. I get the fine task of unbuttoning and unzipping his pants, pulling them up, and then buttoning and zipping them right back up again. Oh boy!
It doesn't stop there.

Wait, why is he trying to pull them down?
Kinder boy: "I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
Other student: "There's somebody in there!"
Me: "Wait until your teacher takes your class to the bathroom. You can go then!"
Kinder boy: "I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
Other student: "There's somebody in there!"
Me: "Can you wait until your teacher takes you?"
Kinder boy: "No! I need to go!" (He's very wiggly and squirmy, and highly uncomfortable)
Me: "Okay, well can you use that one over there?"
Kinder boy: "Okay!!!" as he runs away, trying to pull down his pants.

Sometimes, when you gotta go, you gotta go!

Scene 4:
Today was the 104th day of school, but we celebrated the 100th day because our students needed time to do their displays of 100 items.
2 students put 100 stickers on a piece of paper. Students are individually presenting projects to the class.
George: "This is 100 hero stickers..."
I call another student up right after George.
Henry: "I made 100 stickers, too."
"What kind of stickers are on there, Henry?"
"Lightning McQueen!" exclaims half the class.
"Oh, you put Cars stickers on it?"
"Yes."
"Henry, stay there. George, come back up; hold your sticker sheet. Class, what kind of stickers are on George's paper?"
"Hero stickers."
"And what kind of stickers are on Henry's paper?"
"Cars!"
Pointing from their sticker sheets to their shirts, I point something out to the class. George is wearing a Captain America shirt and used 100 hero stickers. Henry is wearing a Lightning McQueen shirt and used Cars stickers.
That was the best observation I made all day! Plus, the class laughed, and George and Henry weren't sure if they felt special or embarrassed."'

Scene 5:
EVERYONE in class eventually understood the math lesson today! It didn't even take that long for most of them to get it!

Scene 6: I put a paper clip chain around my neck (a hundreds project a student made) and flaunt it to the class while he's explaining it. Well, that just made the whole day awesome, apparently. Those kids did not expect their teacher to wear a colorful paper clip necklace... another funny moment.